For the past couple weeks I’ve been lowkey having a breakdown writing my “about me” and trying to explain the effects body positivity has had on me and my life. It’s something I feel so strongly about but every time I try to put my experiences into words I either feel like I sound stupid or I’m trying too hard like a weird commercial targeted towards millennials where they say like “Wednesdays we squad” or some shit like that. I guess I’m just really nervous, ya know, starting a blog! A real adult blog with it’s own domain! It feels so official. I’ve always maintained my involvement with the plus size and body positive community, as well as my presence online, as just a fun little hobby I did between scrolling through memes on social media. And in many ways, it is a hobby. I spend my free time playing dress up and taking selfies, it’s fun, I love it! But I know deep down it serves such a bigger purpose for me; it’s my participation and contribution to a community that has changed my life, and it’s important to me. I never really admitted to others, or myself really, that I cared so much or worked so hard at what I do, because what if I put all this effort into sharing myself and my life with the world, and everyone hated me? or I said the wrong things? or my pictures weren’t good enough? or no one even cared at all? I’ve always wanted to have a blog like this but it meant really trying and possibly failing, so I stuck to my “no biggie its whatever just having fun” attitude on social media. But these last couple of years on tumblr and instagram have actually really helped me become more confident in being who I am and speaking my mind, and I can’t keep procrastinating until “perfection” can be achieved. So I sit here, suffering from writers block and practically drowning in anxiety, trying my damnedest to just be myself so I can tell you a little something about me without sounding like a crazy tool.
At this point, I have finished my “about” page, thank goodness. But I had to revise that lil fucker at least 20 times, and in the end, I decided to keep it short and sweet. So I thought I’d take this first blog post to go a little more in depth about how I got here, and put those first 19 drafts to good use. The pictures seen in this post start from my first few outfit posts up until now.
Personal style has always been something very important to me. I have always been the creative type, but at a very early age I found the overwhelming need to try to fit in. As soon as I started school I realized I wasn’t like other kids, and not just in how shy I was or my terrible social skills. I realized that my appearance and my body made me different, and I very quickly imposed a set a rules on myself to better blend in with my classmates. I liked what they liked, I hated what they hated, I was basically a total ass to anyone who stuck out of the crowd, because that’s what all the normal kids did. Then a few years later in grade school I made a friend, who ,to me, was almost obnoxiously themselves.They wore crazy shoes, and dress however they liked, and never seemed to let it bother them if someone else didn’t like what they were doing. And I hated it. I was so jealous. I made snide comments and jokes about them because it made me so upset. Until eventually I realized that people admired them for being themselves, or at the very least didn’t really care that much at all, and that I was just being, well ya know, a total ass like usual. I don’t know if I ever apologized but I did begin to change. I started to adopt my friends attitude, and with it began to follow a new set of rules for myself, but now it was more based on the idea that if you can’t blend in, you might as well really stick the fuck out.
After a move to a new town during middle school, I had a fresh start and soon began really experimenting with my style. I dyed my hair bright colors, I drew on my clothes, I wore incredibly excessive amounts of rubber bracelets and D.I.Y. jewelry! But even then, clothing continued to be an intricate obstacle for me. I had an almost criminal lack of options, and mountains of sensible old lady clothes standing in my way. Even if I did find clothes that I liked, I would always compromise for something that would still cover and conceal my body. I lived in Central California, a place that basically becomes satans butthole every summer, reaching over 100 degree’s, and yet I still wore pants and even full length cardigans on most days.
It wasn’t until I was about 17 that I began to feel confident enough to dress a little more freely. That was when i found body and fat positivity. Like most days, I was a few hours deep into mindlessly scrolling through tumblr when I saw a post that would change my life forever. A good friend of mine had reblogged a picture of a fat girl, but unlike what I was used to, it wasn’t some joke or cruel meme. It was just a simple picture of a girl sitting on the couch in a tshirt and underwear, laughing and playing with her dog. When I saw it, I freaked out! I was so excited! It was the first time I had ever seen someone with a body like mine look so happy and comfortable in their skin.
That picture led me to bloggers, body positive activists, and entire pages dedicated fat girls sharing selfies and their personal stories of discovering self love and finding peace with their bodies. I had found this whole community of people who looked like me, and still dressed however they wanted, regardless of whatever “fashion rules” I had felt forced to abide by. I felt like I had finally found somewhere I belonged.
At first I submitted to tumblr pages like chubby-bunnies, then later began posting my own outfits during #fatshionfebruary. I spent years on tumblr, learning from other fat babes and creating my own little place in the community I had grown to love, I even got to be in a book! Then about a year ago, I decided to spread my wings and join instagram. Thanks to features on profiles like @effyourbeautystandards and @alternativecurves, within months of opening my profile to public I had gained thousands of followers and it opened up so many more cool opportunities for me. Through 2016 I’ve had the chance to work with brands like CowCow, and I even got to model for Tunnel Vision(pictured below)!
Unfortunately, as we all know, on the internet the more attention you receive, the more hate comes your way, making this experience not only incredibly exciting but kinda terrifying. I’ve had to deal with a lot of people who believe they have the right to tell me what to do with my life and my body because of the way I look. These people take times out of their lives just to try to insult and belittle me, and I’d be lying if I said that I never let it get to me. But I keep coming back to share my journey with the world because I love what I do and it has honestly helped me come out of my shell and gain the freedom to be unapologetically me.
Fat babes posting selfies made me realize that having fat didn’t somehow make me less worthy of happiness. They pushed me to start to love my body, and ultimately changed me for the better. Making my own outfit posts(the process of planning outfits, getting ready in the mirror, taking loads of pictures of myself) grew to be an important practice in embracing my body and spending time caring for it. It has become a regular part of my life and a crucial form of self care for me.
Just like the people who inspired me, I want to create my own representation, and hopefully help others by doing so. So here I am, taking a step out of my comfort zone, and really trying to do this whole blogger thing. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’re here for this new chapter in my life! The amount of support I’ve received these last couple years has been both surprising and amazing, and I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you babes!